A Tip - Don't Tip
Most people in my social circle can rarely afford to gad about the
town in taxi cabs – they charge exorbitant fees and anyway, the
drivers are usually failed chavs for whom two million years of human
evolution was merely a rumour. So why then do so many gullible fools,
after they have handed over their wages to these thugs, supplement this
extortion with an additional fee known as a ‘tip’? The same strange
convention occurs in cafes and restaurants. At the end of their meal,
many members of the public, who evidently possess a superfluity of cash
that is inversely proportional to their intelligence quotient, dispense
an extra cash payment for the benefit of the waiters or waitresses who
have served them.
Now, let us understand one fact from the start: waiters,
waitresses, hotel porters and doormen are paid wages to perform various
duties that constitute their jobs. I am under no obligation to
supplement their wages. I am not a charity – I have to pay value added
tax like everyone else outside the government. I work for a patients
council in a
This is the problem, you see? It is virtually taken for granted
that we should offer up a financial reward to a waiter in a restaurant
yet we are never expected to offer the same charity to the young chap
who serves us a hamburger in a McDonalds bar. Where is the logic in this
system of exchange? Both establishments serve food and drinks.
Admittedly, the offal served in McDonalds bars will give you cancer and
liver problems but that is hardly the fault of the minions whose
unfortunate job it is to present this vile gruel to the public. Anyone
stupid enough to pay money to be poisoned by such fare in a McDonalds
deserves every aspirin inducing moment they endure. There’s more:
waiters and waitresses in posh restaurants are paid far higher wages
than the poor saps employed in McDonalds bars so if you really must
relinquish your dignity and convert yourself into a charity, surely you
ought to give tips to the proles in the happy hats rather than the
flunkies in frocks and bowties.
However, every time I refuse to pay a gratuity to a worker, I
perform a valuable service myself. In
So take a tip from me – never give tips. I don’t.
Andy Martin © 2009.